Charizard hated the cold. Every day in Michigan the sub-zero temperatures froze his blood. He had a legitimate fear that his big tail would go out, and then where would he be? Sometimes he wished he wasn’t the fully evolved pocket monster that his experience had led him to become. He wanted to evolve into a Dragini or some other fireless dragon. But then he remembered better. All of those ice pokemon were really just a step above savages.
Sulfuric gasses churned in his stomach as he released a fiery burp. “What a tremendous belch,” he thought to himself. His digestive tract had always been a point of pride and rightfully so. Even Moltres’ stomach didn’t have the fiery explosion that his packed.
He looked at the other fifteen or so passengers packed into the tiny subway compartment with him. They looked less impressed by his excretions than he. In fact the plebian directly in front of him had the indignity to set on fire and burn in his presence. Flames burnt healthily in his hair and at the tips of his mustache. Charizard chortled heartily at the image. “Just like the Oddish from a few nights back.” Charizard loved to get good and liquored and torch a few pansy plant type monsters on the weekends.
The unhappy fact was the people on the train wouldn’t really approve of anything Charizard would have done. Reasons beyond Charizard’s comprehension had turned the populace against him. Privately, Charizard had always assumed it to be envy. It’s hard to love a devastatingly handsome dragon that sports an impressive twelve-foot wingspan. Not to mention his noble gift of fire.
To be honest, Charizard had very little interest in what the fat sweaty masses thought about him.
Suddenly, Charizard caught a whiff of the most rotten smell ever conceived. A sea turtle. And not just any sea turtle, a dirty, inbred, plant loving, pre frozen sea turtle named Squirtle. Squirtle, or as Charizard preferred to refer to him, Neptune’s Excrement had never really gotten on with Charizard. Not to mention his more evolved older brothers Blastoise and Wartortle. Those beasts took every opportunity to spit bubbles at him or douse his tail with their water guns. Just the thought of that round oaf Blastoise’s hydro pump nearly made Charizard faint.
At the next stop the train doors slid open and the watery devil Squirtle darkened the train’s doorway. “He even dresses like an asshole,” thought Charizard. And indeed, he did. Squirtle didn’t even have the decency to wear a suit like Charizard. He wore a mangy zip hoody stretched over his shell and a pair of pre-torn jeans. And you couldn’t simply blame it on youth either. Why, Charizard’s younger brother Charmander always seemed to dress neatly. Squirtle looked as though he smoked dried bell sprout buds on with Abras.
“Harrumph,” snorted Charizard derisively. “They haven’t locked this menace up yet? That’s what you get when you elect a psychic type pokemon governor. Law and order go right out the window!”
“Fuck you Chary. I can hear you,” spat the watery tart.
“You shelled sea PIG! I WILL ERASE YOUR ASS!” Charizard had the unfortunate weakness of pride. He was the most powerful pokemon in the world (obviously that abomination Mewtwo didn’t count. He was more test tube than nature.) and as such feared no opponent. He always forgot about the unfortunate stylistic match up Squirtle presented.
The insult was too much for the immature Squirtle however, and without another second of thought the unevolved beast flung its ratatta like body at Charizard’s noble form. Bite! The peasant was going for bite! Charizard almost lost his trademark poise out of laughter as he politely allowed the low level beast to latch himself briefly onto Charizard’s belly. It further amused him to feel only a few hit points trickle from his health bar.
“It’s not very effective BITCH!” bellowed Charizard. “Now it’s my turn.” And with a swoosh of his mighty lit tail Charizard spun the young mouse/turtle in a roasty circle. The heat proved too much for Squirtle and he fainted right there on the subway.
“Ha,” thought Charizard. “And now it’s my stop.”
Charizard hefted his mighty if exhausted form towards the train door. Smoke trailed out of his two nostrils like smoke signals as he chuckled to himself. Water pokemon always were a bit of a laugh.
The subway doors slid open revealing Blastoise’s two massive water pumps aimed right at Charizard.
The End
Amazing. Smell you later!
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